Reflecting on 2015

2015 hasn't been one of my best years. In fact, overall it's been far from a good year as the passing of my beloved grandad earlier this month has overshadowed the small moments of happiness that I've experienced over the year. I suppose grief can make you feel like that, along with many other unpleasant feelings which aren't always describable. Writing this post is really hard and I've been putting it off for a while but it's something that I feel I need to do.

If I had the opportunity to rewind about 14 months, before my grandad got ill and also before I was diagnosed with blood clots on the brain, I would but only if I knew then what I do now. Maybe then I could've saved him and myself before it was too late. I don't like to talk to those close to me about how I'm feeling as it upsets me and the grief hits me like a giant wave. As I struggle to keep afloat, the pain feels as raw as it did when I first found out that his illness was terminal back in the summer. He was only 76 so I thought he would still be around for another few years, making me laugh and putting up with me. I hoped he would still be here for when I finally get my sh*t together and start behaving like the adult that I'm meant to be (whenever that may happen) but sadly, life never seems to turn out the way we hoped. (for people like me anyway)

This year was the hardest year of my life but also one of the most slow paced and relaxing. I've spent the best part of the second half of the year out of work which has allowed me to spend much treasured time with family and close friends. It's reinforced ideas about what sort of job and life I want in the future which I hope to put into practice in 2016. I have a feeling that next year will be a turning point in my life and there will be quite a lot of change. I should be moving out of London sometime before the summer with my family which will begin a new chapter. I would love to be taking a step towards being a grown up and moving in with my boyfriend but sadly that isn't currently possible financially. I can only hope that it will be within the next couple of years. I also plan to look for a permanent job when I move which will hopefully be closer to home and not too stressful. Recent events have reinforced my view that a work life balance is incredibly important so I don't want a career that takes over my life. I plan to carry on blogging as it's a good creative outlet and I enjoy being part of a community. I don't fit in everywhere but amongst my fellow bloggers I feel accepted and at home

I hope that most of you have had a much better year than I have and I wish you all the best for 2016